Eight Easy Steps for Creating a New Mental Disease

n. 1. To create a new mental disease, such as those in the DSM-IV, follow the following scientific steps:

1) (Optional Step) Observe the person.
2) Make a list of the behaviors the person is exhibiting.
3) Describe those characteristics in an alarming fashion. For example, change the word active to hyperactive.
4) Invent a new mental disease that consists of those alarming characteristics and give it a serious, scientific-sounding name. For example, “Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder”. This makes it sound a lot more alarming than “Kid finds teacher boring” or “Kid has too much energy for teacher” or “Kid would rather play than sit behind a desk.”
5) Label the individual as a patient suffering from the new mental disease.
6) Assert that there is something wrong with the patient's brain causing the new mental disease. (It is not necessary for there to be physical evidence of this assertion. This is covered by Step 8.)
7) Give the patient powerful, addictive mind-altering drugs to treat the brain problem.
8) Discover that prolonged administration of the drugs have now caused brain shrinkage or some other brain abnormality and assert knowingly that it was caused by, or is physical evidence of, the mental disease.

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